Method acting mandate

Dear Cast Members,

I must extend a heartfelt thank you for your efforts during this first week of rehearsal. My eyes, having been bored to literal tears by your lackluster performances, are now wide open to the reality of how little talent I have to work with. Without witnessing your infantile gesticulations, wooden imitations of emotion, and masterful ability to misinterpret stage blocking, I would never have accepted what needs to be done to bring this production up to standard.

In an effort to unearth some semblance of the written characters from your oblivious egos, you are all required to practice method acting from now until the end of the production. Forget who you were up until this point. Trust me when I tell you that they weren't worth knowing anyhow. You ARE Stella, the gorgeous burlesque dancer. You ARE Stratton, the no-nonsense businessman.

Brutus, you were close already. Just remember to discard any half-intelligent thought that occurs to your tiny little brain, and replace it with lovely Stella. She is the ONLY thing that matters to you, and you haven't the faintest clue how to show it.

I look forward to seeing this love triangle in action tomorrow. If I see a hint of any of the lackluster actors I made the mistake of hiring, the whip is coming out.

With Love, Your Director