Rip Daring (radio play)

Announcer: Enter a world of stories as weird and wild as man's imagination can conjure. A world where anything is possible, where science and the mystical combine in surprising and unpredictable adventures. Enter a world of Astoundingly Awesome Tales!

Narrator: Are you ready for more tantalizing tales of terror? Myths and monsters and machismo? The history of a heroic hunter? Good! Because it is time yet again for another exciting journey with Rip Daring, cryptid hunter extraordinaire! Joining the intrepid adventurer is his field medic, Guinevere, a nurse as equally skilled at medicine as she is at deflecting Rip! And lastly the loyal Percival, Rip's personal butler, tailor, navigator and monster lure! Join the crew, dear listeners, as we follow them on an exciting cryptid hunt! Tonight, we have a short but sweet adventure: Episode 23: Rip Daring and the Dearly Departed!

Rip: You smell that? Now that is the smell of freedom! That is the smell of the good old U.S. of A!

Guinevere: Rip, that's manure. We're standing downwind from a farm.

Rip: No, no, no, my easily confused Guinevere. That... *sniffs* is the scent of business! An entrepreneuring father who smelled an opportunity and dug out a little corner of capitalism to profit off of it. Nothing else is truer to the American spirit...

Guinevere: I'm sure that they have farms in China.

Rip: Don't be foolish! We all know that those commies feast off of American sadness! Which is why we must starve them with our success! But enough of the beast of communism. We are here today for a different creature! We're here for... eh, Percival? Percy, old boy, you can stop shining my boots for a second.

Percival: Yes, sir?

Rip: Remind Guinevere here of what we're hunting today. I, uh, want to make sure you're earning your keep in paying attention.

Percival: Well, sir. Here is the documentation regarding the sightings and information we were given by the sheriff, and-

Rip: Come now, Percy, you know that I must keep my hunter senses sharp! I can't dilute my mind with that pointless drivel. If it were one of those Astoundingly Awesome Tales books I could pick up for the affordable price of 29 dollars, that'd be another story. Summarize in ten words or less.

Percival: Very well, sir. Wouldn't want to divert any blood from your muscle to your head, would we, sir...? Sightings vary on appearance, so the creature can likely transform itself-

Rip: Ugh, should've known better than to have a robot try to count. I thought you knew one's and zero's? Percival, finish the sentence: Today we are hunting...

Percival: Not deer, sir.

Rip: Of course we're not hunting deer! I'm a cryptid hunter! Cryptids are not deer!

Guinevere: But not-deer are cryptids, Rip.

Rip: Oh no, Percy, this is your fault! Your nonsensical gobbledygook has spread to dear, innocent Guinevere, and I won't have it!

Percival: Heaven forbid you ever get infected by a thesaurus, sir.

Rip: That's why I keep dinosaurs at an arm's length! [sigh] Let me be bring this down to your level. The cryptid we are hunting is...?

Percival: The cryptid we are hunting is not-deer, sir.

Rip: Most things are not deer! I'm not deer, do you expect me to hunt myself?

Guinevere: Mmm, I'd pay to watch that.

Rip: We cannot classify cryptids into "deer" and "not-deer" categories. Most of them are not deer. What would be deer? Jackalopes? Technically?

Guinevere: As much as I would love to see Rip lose what little mind he has, I'm not getting overtime. Percival, set your paranormal scanner for creatures moving erratically, without changing location.

Percival: Of course. Scanning... *Scanning noises* Oh... it seems that master Rip's... loud momentary confusion has drawn them to us. Oh dear God...

Rip: Now's not the time for deer puns, Percy! Now is the time for action! My keen hunter senses have found a couple of creatures that fit into your "deer cryptid" category. You may think that those are simple deer, but don't let your gullible robotic eyes fool you! Note how the jaw extends to the torso, and is filled with razor-sharp teeth, antlers that shift and change shape as we watch! The hooves have digits like that of a human hand! These are either hooligans in shoddy costumes, or some kind of strange, mutated stag...

Percival: In that case, sir, I think we should try to capture them. Perhaps we can learn how they freely modify their bodies. And if they are humans in costumes, we should probably...

[gunshots]

Rip: Or I could mount their heads in my cabin. You know my preferred order of asking questions and shooting. Besides, shapeshifting deer will ensure I always have something new to watch above the fireplace! [laughter]

Narrator: There you have it, dear listeners! Another tale, another trophy for the mantle. The moral of today's story is: Don't let dumb words get in the way of action, that's the Rip Daring way! Tune in next time for more exciting exploits and another incredible cryptid hunt!

Announcer: Enter a world of stories as weird and wild as man's imagination can conjure. A world where anything is possible, where science and the mystical combine in surprising and unpredictable adventures. Enter a world of Astoundingly Awesome Tales!

Narrator: Are you ready for more tantalizing tales of terror? Myths and monsters and machismo? The history of a heroic hunter? Good! Because it is time yet again for another exciting journey with Rip Daring, cryptid hunter extraordinaire! Joining the intrepid adventurer is his field medic, Guinevere, a nurse as equally skilled at medicine as she is at deflecting Rip! And lastly the loyal Percival, Rip's personal butler, tailor, navigator and monster lure! Join the crew, dear listeners, as we follow them on an exciting cryptid hunt!

Tonight we have a death-defying adventure from oversea! Episode 12: Rip Daring and the Metal-Munching Menace!

Percival: It's the 21st of January, and we have arrived at the last known sighting of the elusive Bulgasari, it appears that-

Rip: Yes, yes, that's enough, Percival, you can continue my memoir later! But now, we are in the home of the elusive... bowl-of-gassy. Let the crew know we've arrived.

Percival: Egh. Guinevere? We have arrived.

Guinevere: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard the "intrepid adventurer," Percival.

Percival: Sir? Guinevere is aware. And once again, the creature is called the "Bulgasari." I feel the need to warn you again that this area is dangerous, and-

Rip: Dangerous? Ha! I laugh in the face of danger, don't you forget who you're talking to, Percy, I'm Rip Daring! The man who decapitated a Dullahan, drowned a Kelpie, and is the reason Bigfoot hides in the hills!

[Rustling]

Percival: Sir, I am picking up an anomaly on my scanner, there is an 84% chance this is the Bulgasari. It is quite near our current location!

Rip: The Blue-Car-Seat is near? Enough reminiscing! We need to keep our wits sharp, as we are deep in the Amazon jungles! ...Percy, I don't see any blue cars or their seats. Are you sure you're not malfunctioning again?

Guinevere: Rip, it's called the Bulgasari, and, for the 234th time, this... is... Ko-re-a.

Rip: Egad! You mean to tell me the communist cryptids trying to destroy capitalism can be found all the way out here?

[Roar]

Rip: Hold that terrifying thought. My keen hunter senses have picked up a large tapir-like creature in the thick brush. That's not a bowl-of-gassy, Percival, what is this?

Percival: Sir! That is the Bulgasari!

Rip: Just as I suspected all along! Those eyes are glowing commie-red, a sure sign it's ready for the age-old battle of truth, justice, and the American way!

[Roar]

Percival: If you are quite done being dramatic, sir, it appears to be consuming our supplies.

Rip: [Gasp] No! The strange elephant is eating my last can of Mama Dolce's stew! I was saving that for my post-battle feast! Now it's personal... If this thing wants to go one-on-one with the incredible Rip Daring, I'll give it a fight it won't soon forget. Percy, my elephant gun.

[Gunshot]

Rip: Haha! That got him! Now to collect my prize! Top drawer shot if I ever saw one, wouldn't you say so, Guinevere?

Guinevere: Rip, wait. It's not dead.

Percival: Sir, Guinevere is right. Sensors indicate that the creature is not dead. It's not only unscathed, but it seems to have absorbed the shot and grown in size! My updated data now confirms this creature feeds off metals. It seems to be growing more powerful! May I recommend the cryo-shells this time?

Rip: Oh poppycock! I shot it, it's dead. I have never missed my mark, not even once! That's the Rip Daring promise!

Guinevere: Well, there was the time with the creature hiding at the side of the barn...

Rip: Exactly, not even once! Yah! Dirty commie move! The bowl-of-gas... the bulge... the cryptid swiped at me as I recounted tales of victory! But I'm afraid your razor-sharp claws have done nothing to my perfectly chiseled chest. Nothing except free the blood of a real true American hero!

Percival: Sir, the Bulgasari seems to be fixated on me! I now fear I may be its next source of iron! If it isn't too big of an inconvenience, could I get your... Ugh... assistance?!

Rip: Naturally! Rip Daring is always there to save the day! Guinevere, give me the Cold Shoulder.

Guinevere: I regularly do, Rip. Except this time? It's literal.

Percival: Sorry to interrupt, sir, but at moments like these, I regret you replacing all of my arms with non-combat tools!

Rip: Ho-ho-ho, Percy, why would you need to protect yourself when you have the power of America right here! With my patented Cold Shoulder shotgun and the freezing chill of its cryo-rounds, I am unstoppable!

[Gunshots]

Percival: Forgive me sir, for saying, I'm grateful, both for saving me, and because you switched from pyro-rounds after that incident with the Skunk-Ape. I don't think I could watch another jungle burn down...

Rip: Nonsense! The jungle would be fine as long as none of the buckshot missed, which I never do! Right, Guinevere? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Guinevere: The only way you could miss with a shotgun like that is if you shot straight up. Oh what's this? It looks like the only thing that doesn't miss every shot it takes is the Bulgasari. You're bleeding, Rip. Which means it's time for me to earn my paycheck. Let me grab my stimpaks.

Rip: No-no-no. No thank you, I assure you, I'm okay. In fact, I'm better than okay! It merely... grazed my internal organs! I don't need any... needles...

Narrator: Ha-ha-ha-ha! No need to dwell on irrelevant details like medicine, after a triumphant battle like that! There you have it, dear listeners! Another tale, another trophy for the mantle. The moral of today's story is: Just because you can't pronounce it, doesn't mean you can't kill it, that's the Rip Daring way! Tune in next time for more exciting exploits and another incredible cryptid hunt!

Announcer: Enter a world of stories as weird and wild as man's imagination can conjure. A world where anything is possible, where science and the mystical combine in surprising and unpredictable adventures. Enter a world of Astoundingly Awesome Tales!

Narrator: Are you ready for more tantalizing tales of terror? Myths and monsters and machismo? The history of a heroic hunter? Good! Because it is time yet again for another exciting journey with Rip Daring, cryptid hunter extraordinaire! Joining the intrepid adventurer is his field medic, Guinevere, a nurse as equally skilled at medicine as she is at deflecting Rip! And lastly the loyal Percival, Rip's personal butler, tailor, navigator and monster lure! Join the crew, dear listeners, as we follow them on an exciting cryptid hunt! Tonight, we have a Texas-size tale! Episode 54: Rip Daring and the Curse of the Goatsucker!

Rip: Yet another near-mummified goat, and it's not due to this infernal heat! This was done by a predator. There's just one thing I can't wrap my head around.

Guinevere: I'm sure there's more than one thing...

Rip: Why aren't the goats being eaten? A predator that is capable of killing an animal of this size would not leave its prize for another to claim. Look here, two puncture marks at the back of the neck, its body sucked dry of all blood! What a strange creature you are, goatsucker...

Percival: El Chupacabra, sir.

Rip: Bless you, Percival. As I was saying, this is a fresh kill. The goatsucker is nearby.

[Howl]

Rip: There! Did you hear that howl beyond that distant ridge? Percy? Guinevere? The hunt is on!

Guinevere: Rip... [Wheezes] We've been at this for hours... we need to find somewhere to rest from this unbearable heat! We're out of water, and these temperatures are gonna cause severe dehydration, heat stroke, and... perhaps even death if we don't! You know what? On second thought, Rip, go ahead, Percival and I will catch up.

Percival: Guinevere is right, sir. At this rate, you two will be dead by this time tomorrow.

Rip: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Death can only have Rip Daring with it bests me in battle! Hoo, this heat is little more than a free sauna! [Huffs] And besides, there's no need to fret! I have a master plan... and that plan... involves... adding the goatsucker's head... to my trophy room wall... Onward!

Guinevere: I would say... I'm losing faith in your master plan, Rip, but that would imply any to begin with...

Rip: Hush! Sh-h-h-h! Hold that thought, Guinevere... I spy something, over yonder! By the trees! That ugly dog is no mere mutt, my hunter's intuition tells me that the beast sucking on that goat's neck is the fabled goatsucker! This is no time for dancing, Percy, time to execute my genius plan! Mimic the cry of a wounded goat on my mark! I shall tactically reposition myself behind this shrub. Ready? Mark!

Percival: Baa.

Rip: Ha-ha! Perfect! The creature's snarled maw has dropped its prey, and is approaching my trap! Percy, try to look more appetizing and goat-like!

Percival: Baa. Sir. Guinevere, watch out! My systems indicate that El Chupacabra is now targeting you!

Guinevere: [Gasps]

Rip: Curses! The plan was for it to attack that worthless bucket of bolts, not my sweet Guinevere! Fear not, I will save you! That's a Rip Daring promise!

Guinevere: [Rapid gasps] Any day now, Rip! My life is in danger!

Rip: Hah, surprise you mangy mutt! Time to pay you back for all the perfectly good field you ruined!

Percival: Sir, watch out, its body is covered in sharp quills and needles!

Rip: Needles?! No! Ah... Percy, it seems the beast also paralysis powers! My heart is beating like crazy and I can't seem to move!

Percival: It sounds like you're afraid, sir. Might I recommend breathing into a paper bag?

Rip: Hah, impossible! Cryptids fear Rip Daring, not the other way around! It must be like those Gorgons, that can freeze a man in place with naught but their hideous gaze! Ha-ha-ha-ha, I simply need to kill it without looking!

Guinevere: Oh, oh no...

Percival: To your left, sir.

[Gunshot]

Percival: No, sir, your other left.

[Gunshot]

Percival: That was me, sir! Aim lower.

[Struggles]

Rip: Your hideous quills may have torn my clothes, but they were no match for my rugged flesh! That was nothing more than a lucky shot, mister sucker! Unfortunately for you, Lady Luck, like all ladies, favors Rip Daring!

[Gunshots]

Percival: Sir! You're bleeding, blindly firing, and out of ammo! May I suggest a tactical retreat?! Ah! Your blind shooting missed the beast, sir, but you hit that tree, that in turn fell and crushed the beast! I... suppose that means congratulations are in order, sir!

Guinevere: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but... thank you, Rip. You saved my life.

Rip: What? I did? I mean... of course I did! I told you I had a master plan!

Percival: Of course you did, sir... Regardless, I must congratulate you, as you have already ripped your freshly-mended shirt. I believe that may be a new record for you.

Rip: You'll have plenty of time for sowing later, Percy. Why weren't needles a part of this creature's mission briefing?!

Percival: It was part of the briefing, sir. You said you didn't want to hear about anything that pertained to needles, and stormed-

Rip: Augh, good God, Percy, do you ever stop babbling? I'm just glad we won't need to worry about any more needles! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Guinevere: Sorry Rip, but your entire body is covered in scratches from that monster's quills. Given the number of diseased remains we found while trailing the Chupacabra, it's likely the beast was a hotbed of rare diseases. Since you refused to be inoculated before this expedition began, you're gonna need several shots now. Unless... you want to spend the rest of your days quarantined in the infirmary?

[Syringe shots]

Rip: Ah-ah-ah! So this is the curse of the goatsucker!

Narrator: The important thing is the monster was defeated! No need to dwell on the post-action action! There you have it dear listeners! Another tale, another trophy for the mantle. The moral of today's story is: Keep shooting! Something is bound to fall into place! That's the Rip Daring way! Tune in next time for more exciting exploits and another incredible cryptid hunt!

Announcer: Enter a world of stories as weird and wild as man's imagination can conjure. A world where anything is possible, where science and the mystical combine in surprising and unpredictable adventures. Enter a world of Astoundingly Awesome Tales!

Narrator: Are you ready for more tantalizing tales of terror? Myths and monsters and machismo? The history of a heroic hunter? Good! Because it is time yet again for another exciting journey with Rip Daring, cryptid hunter extraordinaire! Joining the intrepid adventurer is his field medic, Guinevere, a nurse as equally skilled at medicine as she is at deflecting Rip! And lastly the loyal Percival, Rip's personal butler, tailor, navigator and monster lure! Join the crew, dear listeners, as we follow them on an exciting cryptid hunt! Tonight, we have a bone-chilling tale. Episode 75: Rip Daring and the Large Appetite!

Guinevere: Now I've got mud in my boots. Just perfect. You know, for the next adventure, can we investigate the Bermuda Triangle or something? Rip gets lost on a boat while I spend some time on a beach? Just, anything to get me away from more farmland.

Rip: Whatever do you mean, my dear Guinevere? Cryptids are abundant in farmlands as the creatures try to disrupt hardworking Americans!

Percival: Sir, we're not in America. This is a Japanese rice field.

Rip: Oh, I... uh. Of course I knew that, just reminiscing about home is all! Anyway, how about you tell us why we're on the other side of the world, knee-high in muddy water at two a.m.?

Guinevere: You know he needs his beauty sleep.

Percival: Well, sir, we've been asked to investigate a local yokai, or yuma, which is an unidentified mysterious animal.

Rip: Then why am I here? Do I look like I have a degree in zoology with which to identify the creature? No! Of course not! Not since the council sent me that colorful expulsion letter after hunting their "precious Bigfoot."

Percival: Those are just the local terms for cryptid, sir. We don't need to identify. Just find and shoot. Your preferred method of action, sir.

Rip: Ah! Then why didn't you say so, Percy, you bucket of bolts? Now, what're we after? That lady with the scissors and the grin? The woman with the neck problems? The freezing icy mistress?

Percival: You're too hot-headed for the yuki-onna, sir. Today, we're going after the gashadokuro.

Rip: Ah, yes, the Gassy Do-Kro!

Guinevere: I'm not suffering through this again Rip, just call it "the big skeleton!"

Rip: Not my first time wrestling a big-boned creature, what makes this one special?

Percival: From what I've been able to decipher, it seems these creatures are hungry, undead, skeletons, made up of the unburied-

[Fingers snapping]

Rip: See what I'm doing here, Percy? Can you make your explanation like my fingers? Snappy?

Percival: Of course, sir. I forget that too many words push the old words out of your brain... Big skeleton eat people.

Rip: Perfect! Five words on the dot! Now let me keep my keen hunter eyes out for the elusive creature!

Guinevere: Oh, of course, where would we ever find a thirty-foot skeleton? Maybe it's under that rock? Maybe it's taking a swim in these shallow fields? Or maybe, just maybe, it's that giant imposing thing heading right towards us!

[Growl]

Rip: Never fear Guinevere, for my trusty, and patented, Rip Daring jetpack is the perfect tool for every job! I'll fly up close and shoot it once I shoot it once I see the whites of its... the white... the whites of its... the white of its eyes!

Percival: But sir, it... it doesn't have eyes!

[Jetpack noises, growling]

Rip: Ah-ha, it seems this phantom figure has heard of me! I'm sorry, random skeleton, but Rip Daring is only a feast for the eyes... and the ears!

Percival: It's trying to eat you, sir! Do be careful, I just fixed your outfit after last time...

Rip: Worry not, you glorified sowing machine! Skeletons crave calcium, but I never drink milk! Rip Daring is fueled off of the nutrients in American beers and rye whiskey! Now c'mere, you oversized medical diagram!

[Growl]

Rip: You may have gotten to taste-test Rip Daring, but that did little more than tear my good hunting outfit! Besides, don't you know that a man's true power is revealed once their rippling muscles are exposed to moonlight? Ha-ha! What this gullible fool doesn't realize is they have fallen right into my trap! Now that I'm inside the belly of the beast, I can remove its head with the cool power of my trusty Cold Shoulder.

Percival: But, sir... it doesn't have skin. You could've flown in through the ribcage.

Guinevere: Percival, just... don't. There's a good reason he doesn't practice medicine. There's... actually quite a few reasons, now that I think about it.

Rip: I can't quite hear you over the sound of my impending victory, but I assume you're cheering me on. I won't dally any longer! And since only the latest in killing technology is good enough for Rip Daring, I've outfitted the Cold Shoulder with my own personalized ammunition, allowing for more shots per shot!

[Gunshots, growling]

Rip: See that, Guinevere?

Guinevere: No, Rip, somehow, I missed the fight with the giant skeleton.

Rip: Then you missed quite a show! Another beast's head, "ripped" from its body! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Percival: Oh, I do wish that was the only ripped thing, sir. Why must you insist on making your outfits match your name?

Rip: That's the mark of a good hunt! What goes better with a Rip Daring adventure than a ripped daring adventurer's outfit?

Guinevere: Questionable fashion choices aside, Rip, the creature is undead. Removing its head is nothing more than a minor inconvenience!

Rip: Then I'll be sure to make it a major inconvenience, once I place it above my fireplace back in the ol' U.S. of A!

Narrator: There you have it dear listeners! Another tale, another trophy for the mantle. The moral of today's story is: When in doubt, shoot it out! If that doesn't work, you're not using enough bullets! That's the Rip Daring way! Tune in next time for more exciting exploits and another incredible cryptid hunt!