A Better Life Underground (radio play)

Announcer: Previously on, A Better Life Underground!

Vault Resident: Stephanie loves me for who I am!

Protectron: Negative, the only reason she loves you is because of the Buffout. If it was not for that, she would be with me.

Stephanie: [Gasps] You used Buffout? You're not the man I thought you were. You're not the man I fell in love with!

Vault Resident: Stephanie, baby, it's not what you think! I don't use Buffout, that Protectron just wishes it had these guns!

Protectron: Ha-Ha-Ha, improbable. Why would I want those guns when I have *these* guns?

Announcer: And now, episode 135 of A Better Life Underground!

Overseer: Good job today, everyone, I know that we've only been in this VR training for a few days, but it feels like we've been doing this together for *years*.

Amy: Uh, Overseer? We *have* been doing this for years...

Overseer: That's the spirit, Amy! Tomorrow we can conclude our virtual simulation, and get on with our lives.

Amy: Overseer? Are you alright?

Overseer: I've never felt better! I'm ready to get out of this fake world and back into the real one!

Amy: You took a nasty hit to the head when you fell down the stairs this morning. As your head of medical, I believe you may have a form of retrograde amnesia. You really should return to observation before making major decisions.

Overseer: We can't afford to fall behind in training, I'm feeling fine! These virtual Stimpaks seem to work just as good as the real ones.

Amy: I'm not convinced those Stimpaks were enough...

Overseer: Of course they were! Cliff, tell her I'm fine!

Clifford: Eh, statistically speaking, the odds of you being afflicted with retrograde amnesia are five in one-hundred thousand, however unlikely it is, there is still a distinct possibil-

Amy: The head of engineering should not be consulted for medical advice.

Overseer: Clifford...

Clifford: Well, given these circumstances... I will defer to Amy's judgement.

Overseer: [Sighs] Did the instructors put you up to this?

Amy: What are you talking about? We graduated from Vault-Tec University years ago.

Overseer: If I completed my Overseer training, then why are we in the simulation?

Clifford: One philosophical theory is that the whole world is a simulation.

Amy: This isn't a simulation, this is real life! I'm your *real* friend and this is your *real* body. And now I'm certain you have amnesia.

Overseer: Do the instructors want to observe how I handle insubordination? I won't let you let you trick me into thinking I'm *crazy*...

Amy: No, Overseer, you need to listen to me. You're really starting to worry me... is that a full syringe of Calmex you're holding? You're not of sound mind and we need to provide you with immediate medical care before you hurt yourself or others.

Overseer: Cliff, come over here and take your exit serum, you're first up for getting back to reality!

Clifford: That's, uh, an awful lot of tranquilizer! I-I-I think maybe you should listen to Amy...

Overseer: The Overseer Handbook states that insubordination should be dealt with quickly and decisively.

Announcer: As the Overseer attempts to call security, Amy lunges across the desk! She grabs the Overseer's wrist, just before she injects Cliff with a lethal dose of Calmex!

Overseer: What are you doing? Let go of me!

Amy: You were about to kill Cliff!

Overseer: I trusted you! You were like a sister to me!

Amy: We still *are* sisters, I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just trying to cure you!

Overseer: Cliff? Don't just stand there, get her off of me!

Clifford: I was hired for my vast intellect, not my martial prowess...

Amy: [Exhertion] Cliff! Help me restrain her!

Clifford: [Exhertion] And what do you propose I do?

Amy: Anything!

Announcer: Without hesitation, Cliff pulls out a wrench from his toolbelt, and swings it at the Overseer, hitting her directly in the head. The Overseer's body goes limp, before slumping to the ground.

Amy: Oh... Cliff, what have you done?

Clifford: Anything!

Announcer: Next time, on A Better Life Underground!

Harry: Doctor, am I going to be alright?

Doctor: You're going to be more than alright, Harry! With the modifications I've made after your horrible accident, you're more than a mere man.

Harry: Modifications?

Doctor: Well, Harry, your extensive injuries have given the opportunities I don't often have.

Harry: What the hell did you do to me, doc?

Doctor: Most of us are straddled to trudge through our dull existences with only *two* eyebrows. But you, Harry! You're going to live the rest of your life with *seven*! Imagine the possibilities!

Announcer: Previously on, A Better Life Underground!

Overseer: I've spent so much time overseeing the Vault, I overlooked my own son!

Overseer's Son: No, you got it all wrong, I didn't steal those chems!

Overseer: I've heard enough of your excuses. Security, take him away!

Announcer: And now, episode 243 of A Better Life Underground!

Mary: [Sobbing] What do you say, doc, will my husband be okay?

Doctor Hampton: I won't lie to you, Mary. This is beyond the use of a Stimpak, I can't say for sure when or even if he'll wake up.

Mary: [Cries] How could this have happened?

Hampton: His blood work is consistent with that of a Mentats overdose.

Mary: Mentats? That can't be, he would never resort to chemical enhancements!

Hampton: Mentats are *highly* addictive, it's quite possible he's been hiding this from you for a long time.

Mary: [Sobbing] Why? Oh William, why?

Hampton: I'll leave you two alone for now, keep talking to him, Mary. Perhaps your voice will be of comfort to him.

Announcer: A few moments after Doctor Hampton has left, Mary is startled... by a knock at the door.

[Knocking]

Ben: Mary, are you okay?

Mary: [Gasp] Ben! What are you doing here? What if someone saw you?

Ben: I made sure the doctor was looking the other way, besides, Will is my best friend!

Mary: Oh Ben, it's horrible...

Ben: I know, I thought you might need some comfort right now.

Mary: No, you idiot, *this* is horrible, the doctor said he might still wake up!

Ben: What? But I put my entire stash in his Nuka-Cola!

Mary: You were supposed to *kill* him, not put him in a coma!

Ben: I did the best I could, Mary! It's hard murdering someone in a Vault with no witnesses!

Mary: Why didn't you just *lock* him in the reactor room?

Ben: Great idea, next time we need to kill your husband, *you* can do that!

Mary: This *isn't* the time for *jokes*, Ben!

Ben: Well, look, the doc said he *might* still wake up, right?

Mary: Yes...?

Ben: So, all we gotta do is make sure he *doesn't*. Why don't we just smother him with his pillow right here and now?

Mary: Are you insane? I'm the last person the doctor saw in here, they'd know it was *me*!

Ben: Well if you're so smart, what do you think we should do?

Announcer: Mary ponders her devious options for a brief moment.

Mary: I've got it! After your shift tonight in the maintainence room, you'll enter into the air vent and crawl into the medbay, no one will see you enter, and then... you can smother him.

Ben: There's no way I'd fit into that vent, you gotta be the one to do it!

Mary: Ugh! Fine, I'll just do everything myself then! Give me your access card. After everyone is asleep tonight, I'll sneak in and kill him myself.

Ben: Now that's more like it, then it'll just be you and me, doll. Together, forever.

Mary: Together, forever. Don't just stand there, kiss me you fool!

Ben: I thought you'd never ask...

William: Now wait just one second, you traitorous scum!

Ben: Will?

Mary: William! Oh my, you, you're awake!

William: I have been the entire time!

Mary: What? It's not what it looks like!

William: It's one thing to drug me, and another to conspire to my murder, but to kiss my wife!?

Ben: Will, buddy, I can explain, your wife, she-

William: Can it, you Judas! Tell it to the judge!

Ben: No one will ever believe you.

William: Oh they won't, will they? Say, it would sure be a shame if your conversation was recorded on my Pip-Boy...

Mary: No!

William: Oh yes...

Mary on recording: After everyone is asleep tonight, I'll sneak in and kill him myself.

William: I think the Overseer will be interested in hearing this.

Ben: No, it was all her idea, I swear it, Will! Listen to me, we've been best friends since we were in diapers!

William: That's what makes this all the harder. You and Mary will be together forever alright, together, in jail!

Announcer: Next time, on A Better Life Underground!

Vault Resident: Please, I'm begging you, you can't decommission that Miss Nanny. I know to you she's just another robot, but that's the mother of my child!

[Woman gasping]

Announcer: Previously on, A Better Life Underground!

Boss: I don't care what happens, no one can ever know about this, you hear?

Vault Resident: But boss, if anyone drinks the water after it was contaminated... they could get sick! We have to tell Maintenance so they can fix it!

Boss: No one hears about this, or it'll be our heads on the chopping block!

Announcer: And now, episode 313 of A Better Life Underground!

Barbara: Alright, Tommy, spit it out already, what's this secret meeting all about?

Tommy: Barbara, we've been working together here in the reactor for what seems like forever, so, it's safe to say you trust me, right? Even if I were to say something... pretty crazy?

Barbara: You're starting to freak me out here, maybe the radiation's gone to your head?

Tommy: Oh you know reactor brain is just a myth! It's Eric, I think... Well, that is, I'm pretty sure he... remember when we were all playing Catch The Commie in his quarters a few weeks back?

Barbara: Are you talking about the game we messed up where no one was the Commie?

Tommy: Yes, that game. I dealt those cards myself, Barb, I just know I didn't mess it up.

Barbara: It was pretty strange, but I don't understand what you're on about...

Tommy: What I'm on about, is *this*!

Barbara: What is that? A card from our board game?

Tommy: Not just any card, it's the Commie card! I found it in Eric's card after the game.

Barbara: Are you implying that he cheated? The man's practically a saint! He always holds the door open for you, even though they're automatic, even for the robots!

Tommy: There's more to it than that, I'm afraid. A few days ago, I saw him sneaking around the conservatory near the garden, then, a day later, the Overseer sends everyone that message on our Pip-Boys to be on the lookout for food!

Barbara: You're being paranoid! He's always in the gardens! He volunteers to help old Miss Beckley pull the weeds! Do you honestly think that Eric, the head of Vault Security, is stealing our food?

Tommy: Well, not just stealing it, Barb! Don't you remember him bringing that salsa, and corn chips, to my place last time we played board games?

Barbara: Of course I remember, it was delicious!

Tommy: When have you ever seen them serve salsa and corn chips in the Vault?

Barbara: Well... I suppose he... could've had it for a while, and been saving it for a special occasion!

Tommy: Barbara, please, just think about it! He's never been the Commie when we play, not only is he cheating in the game, but he's also serving us stolen food! That makes us accomplices!

Barbara: I... oh no. I ate so much of it! What do we do?

Tommy: Well, we gotta tell the Overseer, who knows what else he's been lying about... or how many crimes he's committed...

Announcer: Tommy and Barbara make their way to the Overseer's office, only to find Eric already has her attention.

Overseer: Well, speak of the devil, Tommy, we were just talking about you! Nice to see you as well, Barbara.

Tommy: Overseer, we have something very important to tell you!

Eric: Tommy, wait, before you say anything, I want you to know that we appreciate you coming directly to us about this, and Barbara? You don't need to worry about anything, you had no idea. You can't be guilty of a crime you didn't know you committed!

Tommy: So, you told her already?

Eric: I did, I admit, I heard you confessing to Barbara while I was doing my rounds.

Tommy: Oh, well, I gotta say, that's a relief- Wait, what do you mean confessing?

Eric: I had my suspicions about you when we didn't have a winner in Catch The Commie, but imagine my surprise when I saw that salsa at your place.

Tommy: What? You're the one who brought it!

Overseer: I find that hard to believe, Eric wouldn't steal candy from a baby! In fact just this morning I saw him giving Cotton Candy Bites to the children at the daycare.

Tommy: Barbara was there too! She knows the truth!

Eric: Yes, Barbara, speak up, and don't be afraid. I promise, you won't get in promise for telling on Tommy. Now, if you were to lie though...

Barbara: I-I...

Tommy: Barb, please!

Barbara: I-He...

Eric: Come on, you can say it.

Barbara: Okay! Okay, I'll say it. The one stealing the food is...

Announcer: Next time, on A Better Life Underground!

Doctor: Are you sure about this surgery, Agatha? Once I replace your face with your sister's, there is no going back to the old you.

Agatha: I'm positive doctor, I may have the brains in the family, but she had the beauty. With her face, I'll be unstoppable...

Announcer: Previously on, A Better Life Underground!

Gerald: Get back, get back, all of you! I said get back!

Vault Resident: Now see here, you've got to calm down and let her go. What in the world has gotten into you, Gerald?

Gerald: I've told her. I've told her one more blasted can of Salisbury Steak and I kill her! I said I would kill her, and I'm gonna do it, so help me!

Vault Resident: Honestly, Gerald, all this over dinner? Pull yourself together now, what's the problem with a beautiful cut of canned steak?

Gerald: It's the same... *damn* food every day, Eleanor! Ahhhh! It's... steak... egh... it's not... supposed... to be... in a *can*!

Eleanor: Gerald! For the love of all things culinary, just put down the knife and we'll let you have a second helping of InstaMash!

Announcer: And now, episode 572 of A Better Life Underground!

Eddie: Wow, look at all this! This is where it happens, all the controls in the Vault for the water systems are right here!

Judy: I don't think we should be down here, Eddie, we aren't even authorized! My father would have my head!

Eddie: Bah, now don't be scared, Judy. Besides, how am I going to be a water technician if I don't get to see the equipment? Ah, check out the construction on this fill chamber. Not to mention we have a moment alone in here without your father watching us like a hawk. You know, he's never approved of us being an item.

Judy: [Giggles] Eddie, he's the head of security, it's his job to watch everyone in the Vault like a hawk!

Eddie: [Laughs] Well, he's not watching now. So, how about a smooch?

Judy: [Laughs] Oh Eddie, you are a bold one, aren't you? Eddie? My arm is... stuck, can you just... move, a little to the left?

Eddie: Okay! Hang on! Let me put my foot... over... here!

Vault Intercom: Warning, warning, fill chamber purge initiated, clear fill chambers of all personnel. Warning, warning.

Judy: Eddie! The chamber door is locked, it's filling with water! Eddie, do something!

Eddie: Judy, I, I don't know what to do! It's filling up, where's the release valve?

Judy: Eddie, the water, the water!

Eddie: Judith, my love, it's the end for us, I can't get the doors open! At least... at least I get to die with you in my arms.

Judy: I can't die without telling you the truth, Eddie! I don't want to go with it all in my conscience... you need to know... you know that time, last month, that I was supposed to be doing advanced nuclear studies... Reginald and I... we...

Vault Resident: What in the name of the Overseer are you kids doing in the reclamation fill chambers? You would've both drowned in there, if I wasn't scheduled to check the pressure levels today! Judy, your father would've booted me right outta the Vault door by sunset!

Judy: [Coughing] Thank you, thank you, thank you for saving us! We were surely going to drown!

Eddie: [Coughing] Judith! Judy... when we were gonna die in there, what was it you were about to say, about you and Reginald?

Vault Resident: Well Judy? What was it? What were you gonna say?

Judy: Eddie... I...

Announcer: Next time, on A Better Life Underground!

Frankie: Jeez, Bill, I've got the GOAT test coming up in less than a week and... I don't know a single answer! How am I ever gonna get myself ready in time! I'm sunk, for serious! Why did I spend all my time playing stickball instead of studying?

Bill: Well Frankie, you've come to the right place, my man. You ever hear of... chems?

Frankie: What? Where do you get those? We're not supposed to have chems! But... if it gets me the best GOAT job... I'll do anything! But... I'm so afraid of needles...

Bill: [Laughs] Don't worry, Frankie, these drugs don't go in like an injection, these babies are *chewable*. It's a straight line from pill to progress.

Frankie: That's all I needed to hear, Bill. The Junior Vault Security Patrol has been waiting a *long* time to find out who's been peddling these poisons. Your game... is over.

Announcer: Previously on, A Better Life Underground!

Vault Resident: Susan, I'm glad you could join us today. We really have to discuss Jerry's recent... incident?

Susan: My little Jerry is a saint! You and I know both know what happened was not his fault...

Vault Resident: Of course, Susan, no one is trying to place blame here. However, three missing hamsters and broken chalkboard and seven mained children demands at least a *discussion* of accountability.

Susan: Your little classroom calamity is not my problem. My *problem* is my child's brain is now inside a damn robot! How is he supposed to play catch with the other kids with *these* ridiculous claws?!

Jerry: Mother, you are embarrasing me.

Announcer: And now, episode 616 of A Better Life Underground!

Paul: So, let me get this straight Howard, you think there's a ghost, in the nuclear reactor room?

Howard: There *is* a ghost, Paul! We've all heard the clattering and howling late at night!

Victoria: It's probably Edward Jenkins, come back to haunt us!

Paul: Really, Victoria? Ed Jenkins? The guy we exiled from the Vault last year?

Howard: He must've died out there, and now he wants his revenge!

Victoria: Well we'll have to chase him off soon! The constant howling has been disrupting my beauty rest. What does Vault-Tec Security mean to do about it?

Paul: Aw, as much as I hate being near the reactor, I suppose I can take a look. If there's any flim-flam going on, you can rest assured I'll handle it.

Announcer: With some hesistance, the trio of would-be ghost hunters make their way to the Vault's nuclear reactor, a place you'd normally want to avoid, even if there wasn't a potential specter roaming the area.

Victoria: The air here is so... sticky. I feel like I'm breathing in pure dead.

Howard: It's the spirit of Edward Jenkins! He's inhabiting this whole section of the Vault, I can feel it! He's likely to take his vengence upon us at any moment, just for coming into his territory!

Paul: Just hold on now, you two, that's just the radiation from the nuclear reactor, it's perfectly harmless. I think you've been getting worked up over a big nothing.

Announcer: Just then, a ghostly apparation streaks across a dark section of the room, startling even the hardened Vault-Tec Security officer! Perhaps the Vault is haunted by its past demons, after all.

Howard: Did you see what I saw?

Victoria: What was that? Paul, I'm scared...

Paul: Get back, Victoria, whatever it is, Vault-Tec Security training has prepared me to not be afraid of anything, even apparitions.

Victoria: It seems to be coming from over there, behind that large console.

Paul: Time to investigate, and get to the bottom of this.

Announcer: Nervous, Paul approaches the console. Suddenly, out of the darkness, a terrifying figure emerges and lunges toward Howard.

Howard: Gyah! I'm a goner for sure, save yourself! It's covering me in some sort of ghoulish goo!

Victoria: What in the world is that peculiar aeroma? I know that smell, it's of... Pork n' Beans?

Paul: That's no ghost, that's just a filthy food covered man! Jenkins... is that you?

Jenkins: Well, I guess I wasn't going to be able to hide forever.

Howard: You're not dead? How did you get back in here? I watched you get exiled!

Jenkins: You'd be surprised what a man can accomplish with a high enough will to survive. There's barely any protections on the reactor vent tubes, I suppose because they didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to subject themselves to such intense radiation. Jokes on them though, I'm exactly that amount of stupid.

Paul: Why are you covered in beans?

Jenkins: I sneak into the kitchen every night for some grub, but tonight, the damn air duct broke, landing my keister straight into the big pot for tomorrow's lunch.

Victoria: So you are the reason I've been so rudely awoken for so many months, all that moaning.

Jenkins: Well you try crawling through these tiny Vault vents every day with level three radiation sickness and see if you don't cry out in pain?

Paul: Well, since you seem to love radiation so much, I think we can probably find a way to keep you around. See, these reactor cores need a good scrubbing.

Howard: He'll never survive that! And then he'll haunt us for sure!

Jenkins: Paul... would you do that to... your own long-lost brother!

Paul: My... what?!

Announcer: Next time, on A Better Life Underground!

Jessie: Hey Heather, is that a copy of Bubble Bomber you're playing?

Heather: Huh? Oh, hi Jessie, I just started playing it. Bubble Bomber is great, you should try it!

Jessie: I don't know, I heard a rumor about it secretly mind controlling people through its sheer addictiveness.

Hypnotized Vault Woman: That's preposterous, Jessie. Bubble Bomber is good. Bubble Bomber is life. Where is your Bubble Bomber? It's time for you to play Bubble Bomber.

Jessie: What? What's happening? Get your hands off me!

Hypnotized Vault Man: Yes, Jessie, come sit down, and see what Bubble Bomber is all about. We must all bomb the bubbles.