Boston Bugle Volume 12, no. 748 (promotion)

White House Remains Empty - Where Is Our President?
By Mags Veccio
Boston Bugle Staff Writer

For more than half a year, the West Wing of America's most famous residence has remained shrouded in near complete darkness. A skeleton crew of manual laborers remains on staff to maintain the property, but nobody has lived - or worked politically - there for several months. And even though the White House Press Corps was unofficially and unceremoniously disbanded around the same time, the media has remained steadfast in answering that most important of questions:

Where is our President?

At first, the assumption was that the entirety of the United States government had moved operations to Raven Rock, the military operations center located in the mountainous region of Pennsylvania just a few miles northeast of the Presidential retreat in Camp David, Maryland. But further investigations have revealed that neither the President nor his Cabinet have been to the Raven Rock complex in over a year.

So if not Raven Rock, then where?

Thanks to an extensive and exhaustive investigation, the Boston Bugle has uncovered the answer, and our readers will likely consider it as strange as it is shocking:

The President has been leading our country from a Poseidon Energy oil rig just off the coast of San Francisco.

It's certainly an odd choice for a Presidential command center. Or is it? Not as much as it may seem, as our investigation discovered. Thanks to the testimony of a highly-placed anonymous source, the Boston Bugle has learned that the official designation of the oil rig is actually "Control Station Enclave" - giving credence to the long-running rumors of a secret, militarized "shadow government," known as the Enclave, that would take control of the United States in the event of a nuclear conflagration.

And so, the mystery of the missing President has finally been solved. But in doing so, has the Boston Bugle also uncovered evidence that the end of the world, in the form of total atomic war, is also at hand?

Sadly, the President's silence seems to speak volumes.

Planning to take a break? Vault 88 needs you!

"Vaults are a crowning achievement of a society planning to protect its citizens in the event of a nuclear disaster," claims one of Vault-Tec's leading engineers, in a report to be published next week.

"Vault-Tec accepts that they are very expensive, but even at over half a trillion dollars each these vaults represents possibly the most important investment of our generation," the white paper boldly states.

In a wide ranging report, Albert Leris, Vault-Tec's Head of Psychological Research Development, tells us that survival of the human race is not their sole purpose and that long before fulfilling the function of an emergency shelter in the event of all out nuclear war, the whole Vault infrastructure can be put to good use for the benefit of society, today.

"Understanding how people tick and how we can make them tick better, bet happier and become more useful members of our community is hugely valuable," Leris claims. "I know that there are those that have challenged this, but those are so-called ethical concerns of the liberals which we must dismiss as counter-productive and close-minded.," Leris concludes.

Vault-Tec is offering induction programs starting next year and is looking for volunteers; maybe this is the time to start thinking differently about vaults and see if there is something you can get out of joining Vault-Tec to test and refine this lifesaving technology. Full enrolment form and contact details on page 45.

New flavour! Nuka-Cola gears up for release of Quantum
~ The secret fizzes up ~

You heard it here first! We have learned Nuka-Cola is about to make a statement regarding the launch of their newest cola flavor...from what we can understand the all-new energy drink is going to be named Nuka-Cola Quantum. Insiders tell us that the new drink has been formulated to significantly boost your energy levels and it is going to have twice the calories, twice the carbohydrates, twice the caffeine and twice the taste; bold claims that they intend to make in their advertising. To make new bottles stand out more on the shelves and to give it an extra kick, a Nuka-Cola chemist told us that the new Quantum formulation will include a mild radioactive strontium isotope and an 18th extra fruit flavor – pomegranate. Test on (what we hope were willing) subjects has confirmed that the isotope boosts your energy while making the liquid glow with a bright blue light. Although in FDA tests the drink appears to be non-toxic, it does cause the drinker’s urine to glow for a week after consumption.

Inside Vault-Tec

Do you want to know what makes Vault-Tec tick? Buster Connolly opens the blast door on the secretive company in his in-depth article and explains why the SimTek 5000 might actually make the difference for humanity’s survival, more on page 25.

Vault Dweller's Survival Guide
Get yours now, WAS 299.95
Now Only! (for a limited time)
$100.00
© Vault-Tec Subscriber Inc.

This handy tome includes the very useful:
Coping With Mr. Virus!
Among many, this pamphlet contained the latest quarantine techniques for Super Ebola containment as well as the very popular section:

How to Burn Diseased Bodies

& including

How to eat a rat
15 five-minute recipies and tasty
Rodent á la King!
First issued January 2077
newly revised September Edition

Notice: This document contains information affecting the national defense of the United States within the meaning of the New Amended Espionage Act. 50 U.S.C., 31 and 32. Its transmission or relevation of its contents in any manner to an unauthorized person is prohibited by law.

Sierra Army Depot
EVACUATED

It has been revealed that at sometime between July and October the Sierra Army Depot was evacuated, after contact with contaminated Lakewater caused a medical crisis at a General Atomics-sponsored fishing tournament. As locals will know, Lake Quannapowitt has closed to the public for the last few months. More information on page 28.

The famous Fusion Flea and the Pick-R-Up

Offer you the promise of the open road with no distractions. Come and test drive one today. Unbeatable offers for the vehicle of your dreams. Don’t think about tomorrow, act today!

EXCLUSIVE West Tek research moved to CA

It has come to light that earlier this year, Major Barnett ordered the transfer of all Forced Evolutionary Virus (FEV) research to the then newly-constructed (and until recently top secret) Mariposa Base Base in California. A source told us that the move went forward smoothly despite serious objections by the research team. In this unexpected development, the whole facility was moved along with the scientists and Robert Spindel’s military team.

Founded in 2002, West Tek has grown dramatically, and eight years ago became the single biggest government contractor. Known for its heavy engineering work on armored military personnel protection in the form of the now famous T-51b power armor for use by infantry soldiers on the front-lines, its lesser known activities include viral studies that were initially called the Pan-Immunity Virion Project (PVP), but more recently known as the Forced Evolutionary Virus (FEV) program. In 2076, West Tek’s research facility was secured by the military after fears of international espionage surfaced and the sensitivity of the establishment’s work became clear. Sources tell us that the move to California was unannounced internally, but that the new campus provides a more secure environment for the continuation of West Tek’s virus research and offers increased capability for the further development of armored protective suits and advanced weaponry.

Don't forget to follow us TOMORROW for all our NEWS, VIEWS and SPORTS in YOUR BUGLE with our sporting coverage as Boston heads for its first series victory since 1918!

Violence continues in Alaska & Canada

The state of Alaska is still on high alert as General Chase announces contingencies for martial law to be resumed if local tensions don’t abate. Only earlier this year Anchorage’s liberation was being celebrated in the frozen streets, but since then, pockets of Canadian freedom fighters have continued to inflict causalities on our forces stationed in the area

"We mustn't let down our guard," General Chase told Congress. "We need additional funds and reinforcements to maintain the security of the vital Trans-Alaska-Pipeline. We will work with our official Canadian partners where possible, but we will not tolerate any efforts to compromise our critical supplies. The pipeline will remain fully under our control, of that I am confident."

Congress was expected to approve a doubling of resources allocation in line with Chase's requests.

Senator Blackwell makes a public appeal "Vault drills are still important!"

Senator Blackwell made an impassioned plea on State TV today at a special news conference to promote the importance of keeping up with your emergency drills in completed Vaults near you.

"After years of drills, you may feel that war is not something you have to worry about," he told a packed newsroom. "But this complacency may kill you and your family. I'm here to tell you that the Cry Wolf Effect is as dangerous as a killer as any kiloton nuclear bomb." Speaking with obvious passion, the Senator continued, "right now, I assure you that the threat of all out war is as great as ever, as our enemies seek to build their forces and continue to threaten our cherished homeland and the whole of humanity. Please don't become blasé; you owe it to yourself and your family to keep your vault training in tip-top condition. Drills are the best way to do this.

Blackwell finished by stressing that of course he didn't want to cause mass panic, but he felt it was time that someone challenged the public perception that vault drills were a waste of time. On the contrary, he said, it was very important they should continue play a major part of our lives now and for the foreseeable future, or lat least until the threat of all our nuclear war subsided.