| #
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Dialog Topic
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Form ID
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Response Text
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Script Notes
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| 1
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0062CA7F
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0062CB48
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The Zebulonians weren't the first to develop advanced probing technology, but we definitely are the ones who perfected it.
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| 2
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We've got machines that can probe 100,000 organisms per second, and serve you ice cream when you're done.
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| 3
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0062CB49
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You know that comic about the Unstoppables visiting the Ux-Ron galaxy? Complete fabrication.
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| 4
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They visited the Ux-Ray galaxy, and it wasn't the Unstoppables, it was the Immovables. Tell your historians to get it right next time.
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| 5
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0062CB4A
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What you call food on this planet is a disgrace. But the alcohol? Well, let's just say I'll be filing a Zebulonian copyright for all your drinks very soon.
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| 6
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0062CB4B
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Zebulonians used to molt, much like your snakes. But now we simply discard the skin and hang it in our closets as a memory of our youth.
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| 7
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0062CB4C
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If you need any help relaxing, I can show you an ancient Zebulonian meditation technique. It involves heavy drinking and vomiting out negative energies.
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| 8
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0062CB4D
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The gravity on this planet is so weird. My xer-joints, or what you humans call knees, they hurt so much when I have to stand for long hours.
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| 9
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0062CB4E
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Greetings Earthling. I am Xerxo, son of Xarlax, captain of the starship Voxthaltha of the Zebulon Empire.
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| 10
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0062CA81
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0062CB58
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There are 10,000 starships in the Zebulonian fleet, each one equipped with the latest in interstellar missile technology and a dozen private chefs.
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| 11
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0062CB59
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I'll have you know I've flipped no less than ten planets in the last year alone. I'm not just a starship captain, I'm a renowned intergalactic realtor.
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| 12
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0062CB5A
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Every doctor in the Zebulon Empire learns to probe their first species by the age of ten. It's part of their rite of passage.
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| 13
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0062CB5B
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As a starship captain, I've seen my share of abductions. Super Mutants, Sheepsquatches... we've studied them all.
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| 14
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0062CB5C
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Our studies show the most intelligent being on this planet is actually a Mole Miner. Yet they want me to bargain with humans instead.
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| 15
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0062CB5D
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We Zebulonians have long since evolved past the need for skin. Our insides aren't so weak that they need to be covered.
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| 16
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0062CB5E
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I'll have you know the moonshine on this planet is its only redeeming quality.
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| 17
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0062CB5F
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My superiors are mostly hands off, but tentacles on. Tentacles tend to stick better, and keep you working.
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| 18
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0062CB60
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Doing an audit of an entire planet is incredibly hard. You never know when one of you might blow it up again.
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| 19
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0062CB61
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Space travel isn't very difficult. Time travel, even easier. But this "walking" these Earthlings are so fond of? It's killing me!
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| 20
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0062CB62
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I've met a few people on this planet that I mistook for Zebulonians. But apparently they're something called "ghouls".
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| 21
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0062CB63
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Twenty days until retirement and I get tasked with flipping this shitshow of a planet. Can you believe my luck?
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| 22
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0062CB64
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Until they sent me here, I was going to retire and live on a beach on the planet Ur-Vox. Just me, the sand, the ocean, and those rings of color just like a rainbow.
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Wistful
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| 23
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0062CB65
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There's eighty other planets I'd rather be on than this one. However, it still has its perks.
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| 24
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0062CB66
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Sometimes I look at your sunsets and think to myself, oh, this planet is going to look fabulous when it's furnished. I really should remember to factor that into the price.
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| 25
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0062CB67
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I have family on Zebulon. We communicate daily via telepathy. The long distance charges are out of this world, but it's certainly worth it.
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| 26
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0062CB68
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I'm going to miss a lot of my childrens' milestones. When they play their first Zorxball game. When they fire their first ray gun. Prom.
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| 27
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0062CB69
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Oy vey, one of my backs is killing me.
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| 28
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0062CA82
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0062CB76
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Earthling.
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| 29
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0062CB77
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What a day. I could use a xartini. Ooo...or better yet, Earth whiskey.
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| 30
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0062CB78
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When you have 47 stomachs, it's hard to tell which one has indigestion.
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| 31
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0062CB79
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The air here is toxic to three of my lungs. Good thing I can shed them easily.
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| 32
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0062CB7D
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Vaya con Dios, Earthling.
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| 33
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0062CB7E
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Until our next encounter.
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| 34
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0062CB7F
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So long.
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| 35
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0062CB81
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All Zebulonian technology is delivered through one's face holes. It provides the most impact.
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Gentle, almost apologetic, but doctor-like "It is what it is" tone
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| 36
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0062CB82
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It's simple. The shot from my ray gun will rewrite your particles with that of a kangaroo and the DNA of an Olympic gold medalist in the long jump.
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| 37
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The effects will be temporary, but should be felt almost immediately. Just try it, and you'll see.
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| 38
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0062CB84
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Of course, Earthling.
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| 39
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0062CB85
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If we must.
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| 40
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0062CB86
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What remains to be discussed?
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| 41
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0062CA84
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0062CB23
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Thank you. You know, many Earthlings are hostile to our kind. They call us names like "ghoul," or "crazy person," or "stop, thief!"
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Appreciative, warming up
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| 42
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But me, I ignore all of these taunts, for the sake of my mission: the invasion and complete subjugation of your planet.
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Tone shifts to something matter-of-fact and somewhat sinister
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| 43
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0062CA86
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0062CB09
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There is no need, Earthling. I have already met him and eaten him, as is required by Zebulon law.
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Appreciative and matter-of-fact
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| 44
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Before digesting him in one of my 47 stomachs, I made sure to slather plenty of barbecue sauce on his forehead, just the way you humans like it.
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| 45
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We're not barbarians, after all. We may plan on invading and subjugating your entire species, but we do respect your customs.
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Genuine and earnest
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| 46
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0062CA88
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0062CB35
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That was your first mistake. Thinking. But please rest assured, you won't have to think any longer, once we invade and subjugate your people.
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| 47
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In fact, thinking will likely be made a crime punishable by death, followed of course by having to watch a series of instructional videos.
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| 48
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Given that there are 1,757 stages of hell in the Zebulon afterlife, you will have ample time to watch these videos and reflect on your mistakes.
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| 49
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0062CA8A
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0062CB11
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Maybe for you. But I take no joy in the complete domination of your species.
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Earnest, matter-of-fact.
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| 50
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I am simply required by intergalactic law to read you the terms and conditions of your surrender.
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| 51
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If not for that, we would not be having this conversation, because I would be drinking a xartini and you would be a pile of goo.
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| 52
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0062CA8C
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0062CB55
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That may be how it works in your culture, but Zebulonians do not engage in your primitive rituals of dinner, movies, and inane small talk.
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Aloof
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| 53
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When we see something we want, we form an exploratory committee on the 25th of Dexember, to summon the God of War, Xanta.
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| 54
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Xanta then creates a list of planets that have been naughty, and nice. The naughty ones we invade. And your planet has been...so naughty.
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| 55
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0062CA8E
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0062CB19
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Should we wait until you screw it up even more?
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Bemused, aloof
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| 56
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Relax, Earthling. We don't plan on staying long. Your planet is what they call in the intergalactic market, a "fixer upper."
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| 57
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We plan on cleaning it, renovating it, and then flipping it to the Martians at twice the cost.
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| 58
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0062CA90
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0062CB01
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Yes. A real estate empire. What kind of empire were you imagining? No doubt one that reflects your failings as a species.
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Exasperated,
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| 59
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0062CA92
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0062CB24
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Oh yes. Martian sand is quite valuable in the Andromeda Galaxy. It is the source of the Empire's early wealth. They use our sand in hourglasses, you know.
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| 60
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They say using Martian sand is more precise than an atomic clock. Of course, it's all just a scam. Anyone with 19 brains knows that time isn't real.
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| 61
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0062CA94
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0062CB0A
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Don't make me laugh. Your currency is no good on the intergalactic market. We don't use inefficient, primitive methods of exchange like bottlecaps.
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| 62
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All of our transactions are performed using ions, transferred via clouds of gas we exhale using specialized glands.
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| 63
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0062CA96
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0062CB36
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There's no need for you to respond. At least, not unless you've been chosen as Supreme Leader, at which point I will need you to formally surrender.
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| 64
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0062CA98
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0062CB13
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What's the matter with you, are you some kind of communist? You Earthlings should know that everything can be bought and sold, even this conversation.
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| 65
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I'm actually recording this on a holotape right now, and will be putting it up for auction this very evening.
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| 66
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Hopefully you don't say anything idiotic and tank the value.
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| 67
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0062CA9A
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0062CB6A
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I will do my best, but this is hardly a vacation. Once the Zebulon fleet arrives, you'll see.
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| 68
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0062CA9C
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0062CB1B
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Good. I'm glad you're able to see the forest for the trees, even though you burned half of them down.
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| 69
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0062CA9E
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0062CB03
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Don't worry, I would never touch anything you Earthlings have put your sausage-like tentacles on.
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Aloof, mildly disgusted at the thought
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| 70
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0062CA9F
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0062CB26
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Anyway, there's still some paperwork I need to file for closing escrow on the planet, so if you need me, I'll be on my spaceship.
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| 71
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0062CAA1
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0062CB0C
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Normally I don't do this, but in exchange for letting me park my spaceship here, I'm willing to rewrite the rules.
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| 72
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I know intergalactic parking fees can be exorbitant, so don't think I don't appreciate your gesture.
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| 73
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And if you want to learn the secrets of intergalactic space flight, I can help with that too.
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Hints of pride
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| 74
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0062CB0D
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All right, Earthling. What do you need?
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| 75
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0062CAA3
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0062CB38
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Very well. Proceed with your inquiry, Earthling.
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| 76
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0062CAA5
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0062CB6D
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Besides the marshmallow center?
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| 77
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0062CB6E
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Besides the caramel-filled crust?
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| 78
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0062CB6F
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Besides the mole people living in the clouds?
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| 79
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0062CB70
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You mean, aside from the strange smells emanating from the occupants?
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| 80
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0062CB71
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Besides the odd noise it makes when it rotates?
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| 81
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0062CB72
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Besides the fact that it's an intergalactic tax haven?
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| 82
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0062CAA9
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0062CB2E
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The very best in Zebulonian technology.
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| 83
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0062CB2F
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Premium Zebulonian wares, at premium prices.
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| 84
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0062CB30
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This transaction is classified, you understand me?
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Serious
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| 85
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0062CB31
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Everything you see here, as long as it's visible.
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| 86
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0062CAAB
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0062CB4F
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Simple. By shooting you in the face.
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| 87
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0062CB50
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Your memory's failing you Earthling. You've already got your gamma ray shot.
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| 88
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0062CB51
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One burst of gamma rays, coming right up.
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| 89
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0062CB52
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Then you'll get it. Right in the puddum.
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| 90
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0062CB53
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Just remember to watch your landings.
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| 91
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0062CB54
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Close your eyes and I'll count to three. One...
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| 92
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0062CAB1
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0062CB04
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Very well, Earthling. I'll be sure to calibrate my weapon to your flesh settings.
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| 93
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0062CAB3
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0062CB27
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Oh, I wouldn't worry. By intergalactic standards, you're about two million xorbits below the poverty line. It really doesn't get much worse than that.
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Pronounced "zor-bits".
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| 94
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0062CAB5
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0062CB0E
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Fine, but there's nothing dangerous about it.
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Gently persuasive, disarming
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| 95
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0062CAB6
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0062CB39
|
Perhaps I should explain further.
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| 96
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0062CAC0
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0062CB2B
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It does not say "Blast." The symbols merely resemble your language, and it's confusing you.
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| 97
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What appears to you as letters are in fact ancient Zebulonian runes that spell the name "Xerxo."
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| 98
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0062CAC2
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0062CB0F
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Before we begin the invasion and close escrow on your planet, some reconnaissance and an appraisal needs to be done.
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| 99
|
I am here studying your people, and perhaps, if the opportunity avails itself, mate with them.
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| 100
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0062CAC4
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0062CB3E
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Yes, Earthling. For allowing me to stay at your camp, I have decided to generously give you our most distinguished award: the Zebulonian Medal of Honor. Here.
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| 101
|
0062CAC6
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0062CB17
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Zebulonians do not forget. We have 38 brains, each one working independently to remember the time you didn't pay your fair share for dinner
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| 102
|
Mary chipped in, and she barely ate. But you! You ate half the food, and conveniently "forgot" your wallet at home.
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His mask slips, begins to reference his past life
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| 103
|
Everyone else may have forgot that minor transgression, but little brain number 36 didn't.
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Back to his Xerxo self
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| 104
|
0062CAC8
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0062CAFF
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Well, that is an understandable deduction for a species that uses their own clothing as a napkin.
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Aloof
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| 105
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But make no mistake. My suit says Xerxo, just like your clothes scream out, "wash me."
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| 106
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0062CACA
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0062CB21
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An understandable deduction for a species that collects trash and then displays it in their museums as art.
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Aloof
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| 107
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But make no mistake, my suit says Xerxo. You're just having trouble telling the difference.
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| 108
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0062CACC
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0062CB08
|
An understandable deduction for someone that can only think using Earthling languages.
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Aloof
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| 109
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But no, it doesn't. My suit says Xerxo, just as your clothes clearly say, "hardly working."
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|
| 110
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0062CACE
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0062CB12
|
Well, the other day, I did have something you Earthlings call, a "dream."
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| 111
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I had switched my brain organs to sleep mode when I was suddenly bombarded by a strange visual.
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| 112
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It was of a tall man in a spacesuit, walking on a stage. And in the background, there was a voice that said, "Elliot, break a leg."
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Xerxo's mask begins to slip
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| 113
|
And perhaps this Elliot is a real person - a shell of himself, trying to find a way to cope in a world he simply does not understand.
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Xerxo's mask slips further.
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| 114
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But given that my name is Xerxo, and I've never broken either of my legs, my dream was clearly about someone else.
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Back to Xerxo, straightens up, but rattled by the conversation
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| 115
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0062CAD0
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0062CB56
|
I've never heard of it, and no one has ever referred to me as a verb of any kind.
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| 116
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I told the writers it was a stupid name, but do they listen to old Elliot? No. They tell him, "you do your job, and we'll do ours."
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Xerxo's mask slips, becomes Elliot momentarily
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| 117
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Well, now I'm doing the job of invading this backwater planet, so the joke's on them.
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Back to Xerxo, straightens up.
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| 118
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0062CAD2
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0062CB1A
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Do you think I take pleasure in this mission? I simply do what I must, for the sake of the Empire.
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| 119
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If that means performing the ancient Zebulonian love dance with one of your high ranking diplomats, so be it.
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| 120
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0062CAD4
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0062CB02
|
Well, as flattered as I am by the proposition, I'm only allowed to perform the ancient Zebulonian love dance with high ranking government officials.
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| 121
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If you would like, however, we can stand near each other, and exchange nearby gases. I understand that is what qualifies as intimacy among your species.
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In a "want to grab a cup of coffee?" type of casual tone
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| 122
|
0062CAD6
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0062CB25
|
Because that is how you Earthlings reveal your secrets. By being seduced, letting your guard down, and then whispering them in your sleep.
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Confused at the question. A sort of "duh, of course" tone.
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| 123
|
I've studied enough of your primitive spy cartridges to know of this fact.
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| 124
|
0062CAD8
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0062CB0B
|
Then I will continue as I have. Studying, appraising, and reading your amazing romance literature.
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| 125
|
Just because I am not participating in your primitive mating rituals doesn't mean I shouldn't be well prepared for the scenario.
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| 126
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0062CADA
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0062CB37
|
No, it only looks like that to your untrained eye.
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Like an enthusiastic professor
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| 127
|
Now, while it is similar to your toilet paper in look, feel, and two-ply softness, I assure you, it is made of authentic Zebulonian eagle feathers.
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Beaming with pride
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| 128
|
0062CADC
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0062CB14
|
You should. It's only been given to a non-Zebulonian on two occasions. One to a Zambonian who stopped the Ice Insurrection on the Planet Hockeystick.
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| 129
|
And the second, to the Scorchbeast Queen that ravaged your planet and helped reduce the asking price.
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| 130
|
0062CADE
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0062CB6C
|
What you do with the medal is your own business. Usually while sitting, with the door closed. But either way, it's an honor well deserved.
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|
| 131
|
0062CADF
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0062CB1D
|
Now go on, before I get all misty-eyed.
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| 132
|
0062CAE2
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0062CB3A
|
Yes, a few things. But perhaps you can tell me more.
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|
| 133
|
0062CAE4
|
0062CB16
|
Of course! I know all about Dr. Zornhole and his infamous jog.
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|
| 134
|
0062CAE6
|
0062CB74
|
Do you think that just because I'm a space captain, brilliant military tactician, and devilishly handsome, that I am not also a student of history?
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|
| 135
|
I know all about that piece of Earthist propaganda.
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|
| 136
|
0062CAE8
|
0062CB20
|
Yes. Almost... too close.
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|
| 137
|
0062CAEA
|
0062CB07
|
That's what I said.
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|
| 138
|
0062CAEC
|
0062CB2D
|
You cannot correct me. I am a Zebulonian, and you are not. That makes me right, and you wrong.
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|
| 139
|
0062CAEE
|
0062CB1F
|
I so hate to disappoint you, but your hero is a fraud.
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Weary
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| 140
|
He'd like you to think it was a run. But if you look at the tape, you'll see that he's actually jogging and the tape has simply been sped up.
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Weary
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| 141
|
0062CAF0
|
0062CB06
|
It depicts the Zebulon Empire as evil, the Neptunians as Earth slaves, and worst of all, Blast Hannigan as a hero.
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| 142
|
0062CAF2
|
0062CB2C
|
Well for one, Blast Hannigan isn't a real name. It can't be. What kind of monster would name their child "Blast?"
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|
| 143
|
Only a Hollywood director could conceive of such cruelty.
|
|
| 144
|
The rest is more or less true to reality, except we were liberators, and the colonists were from Uranus. They always are.
|
|
| 145
|
Meanwhile, Earthlings had nothing to do with the incident, and yet they still plaster their names all over the credits. Typical.
|
|
| 146
|
0062CAF4
|
0062CB10
|
Blast Hannigan doesn't even exist. He's an Earthling creation, through and through.
|
Letting the player down softly
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| 147
|
0062CAF6
|
0062CB3F
|
The simplest explanation is quite often the right one. The Neptunian media probably leaked it to your press.
|
Matter-of-fact
|
| 148
|
0062CAF8
|
0062CB18
|
Good. And trust me, it's not worth watching. The acting is atrocious.
|
|
| 149
|
0062CAFA
|
0062CB00
|
The Zebulonian runes on my suit spell "Xerxo". They're the same runes you'll find on my intergalactic pilot's license.
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|
| 150
|
0062CAFC
|
0062CB22
|
A change of subject would be most welcome.
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|
