How “Therapy Speak” Can Backfire in Real Life, According to a Therapist

If you’re in therapy and feel like you’re making progress, you might be eager to show the people you love what you're learning about yourself. However, it’s important to consider the way you talk about yourself and others. 

Using “therapy speak” in everyday life—for example, terms like “boundaries,” “attachment,” or “triggered”—might have the opposite effect of what you intend. Let’s take a look at why using therapy terms in everyday life might be harmful.

Gatekeeping

When you use clinical terms with people who have not had the opportunity to learn those words in therapy themselves, it might be perceived as gatekeeping—purposefully excluding others from a particular experience. 

To prevent people from feeling this way, try putting the “therapy speak” that you’re using into your own words and describe your experience rather than relying on clinical terms. This invites people into your world rather than implying (even accidentally) that it’s a world they won’t understand and to which they do not have access.

For example, rather than saying to an overbearing family member, “We need to adjust our boundaries,” explain what exactly that will look like to you. Try something like, “I don’t like it when you make me feel guilty for not calling you” instead. That way, you are still describing the work you’d like to do without making your loved one feel as though they are missing something.

No Point of Reference

When you use “therapy speak” with people who have not been a part of your therapy or mental health journey, they have no reference point for the terms you are using because you only defined and outlined those terms with your therapist. 

While you and your therapist might understand what you mean by phrases like “This event triggered me” because you’ve taken the time to talk through what “being triggered” looks like for you, your loved ones have not been privy to those conversations. Therefore, when you use shorthand like “triggered” rather than explaining what exactly was happening to you in your mind and body at the time, your friends and family don’t know what you are talking about. 

This can create distance between you and the people you are speaking to in a number of ways:

• They might not feel comfortable asking you questions about your experiences or the vocabulary you are using. 
• They might feel embarrassed that they don’t know what you are talking about.
• They might get the sense that you don’t actually want to talk to them about what you are experiencing because you aren't elaborating on what happened or how you felt. 

Pathologizing

Chances are, if you’re learning new terms in therapy to describe things you’re experiencing, you might be champing at the bit to apply them in real life. However, doing so with abandon can easily lead to pathologizing. 

“Pathologizing” means ascribing a clinical circumstance to something that might not be clinical at all—for example, describing someone unpleasant as a “narcissist” rather than “stuck-up” or “egotistical.” Whereas narcissistic personality disorder (or narcissism) is a personality disorder defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM), which requires the presence of very particular traits for diagnosis, anyone can be a self-absorbed jerk.

Pathologizing can also affect the way you think about your own circumstances or personality traits. You might find that it’s easier to think of a certain trait of yours as a clinical sign or symptom rather than a behavioral choice because pathologizing it takes the responsibility off of you and places it on the pathologized trait. 

For example, you might blame the fights you get into with your mother on your anxiety and be happy to leave it at that rather than taking the time and effort to examine your relationship and identify words or feelings that make you angry with her. This is a shortcut that doesn’t help anybody—it doesn’t help you and your mother communicate better, and it doesn’t help your anxiety (which might be very real) to use it as a scapegoat.

So before using “therapy speak” willy-nilly, really examine the situation you’re in and decide if other terms might be more appropriate.

Defining Others' Experiences

Because of your newfound therapeutic vocabulary, you might find yourself starting to use certain words to not only explain your own experiences but also the experiences of those around you. However, those kinds of words can and do mean different things to different people. Defining someone else’s experience with your own “therapy speak” can make those around you feel as though you're not taking the time to understand their perspectives, challenges, or symptoms from their point of view. 

Rather than assuming that you can accurately describe others through clinical terms, ask other people questions instead. You could say something like:

• “I’m noticing that you are describing x, y, and z. This is what that means to me. Is it the same for you?”
• “When I say x, this is what I mean. What do you mean when you say x?”
• “I’d usually use the word x to describe that feeling. What word would you use?”

Inaccuracies

You might be so excited to use new therapy terms in real life that you use them incorrectly. This can create confusion not just for yourself but also for others who might not understand what you mean or what you are trying to say. 

For example, you might be learning about attachment styles in your therapy sessions and figuring out which attachment style you display. (“Attachment” describes how you approach relationships, usually based on how your parents interacted with you as a baby.) This might lead you to start “recognizing” that attachment style in others, even if it’s not an accurate assessment. You might not know enough about the different types of attachment, or you might be a little too eager to see your attachment style in those around you. 

This can lead to misunderstandings, especially if the people with whom you are using this “therapy speak” do not know anything about attachment styles themselves. So you teach them an inaccurate definition, which they then bring into their world, which might lead them to teach someone else the inaccurate definition, and so on. 

Final Thoughts

“Therapy speak” has its time and place—namely, in your therapy sessions. But using it in real life can be tricky. It might be more useful for you to take the time to describe your feelings, experiences, and issues in layman’s terms to the people around you; that avoids the misunderstanding and resentment that might come with using clinical terms that your loved ones don’t understand. 

At the same time, teaching your friends and family the “therapy speak” words that ring most true to you can be a useful exercise in communication. By providing explanations rather than just using the terms without defining what those terms mean to you, you can successfully welcome others into your internal world, fostering compassion and understanding.