Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son is soon turning 18, and I know he’s anxious about adulthood, but he’s become increasingly clingy while spiraling into hypochondria. He is hellbent on something being “wrong” with him. He’s rapidly cycling through self-diagnoses, from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Anemia to physically affecting epileptic “seizures” (which were ruled out by three different doctors), and now it’s lymphoma. I’ve contacted his physical and mental health care team for advice, but not getting much response. I’m trying to be patient and reassuring, but I’m about to lose my cool. My days are constantly interrupted by his malingering; one minute, he’s in agony, the next, he’s full of life. To make matters worse, I’m working through a scary diagnosis of my own right now. It’s neurodegenerative, and my physical symptoms cause me to shake and lose my balance. I haven’t shared much about this with my kids, and I am trying to be brave, but watching my very healthy teenager pretending to seize and ail is not only hurtful, it’s pissing me off. My partner tries to ignore it, but I’m beside myself.
—Actually Sick
Dear Actually Sick,
If you aren’t getting the sort of cooperation you need from your son’s care team, it may be time to make some replacements. It sounds like he could benefit from a solid therapist—one who will communicate effectively with you. You don’t know for sure if his hypochondria is an actual condition or something he’s simply effecting because he’s nervous about becoming an adult, so be careful not to take your frustrations out on him. Patiently remind him that his doctor has examined him thoroughly and that he is not sick.
Your son is old enough to learn about your own diagnosis; perhaps hearing about what you are going through will help him to stop acting as though he is seriously ill. Explain to him what is going on (cautioning him not to share this information with his siblings) and highlight how different your condition is from his own “sick one minute, fine the next” behavior. Focus on finding a mental health professional who can adequately attend to his issues; you need to know if he’s truly faking it or if he has reason to believe that he is unwell. Ask your son to be sensitive to what you are going through and to believe the doctors when they tell him he is fine.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am an African lady with a child by a Turkish man. We live together, though he initially denied getting me pregnant and wouldn’t acknowledge our child until he took a paternity test when he was 3. My son’s father has a 19-year-old son from a previous marriage. He won’t introduce our son to him and when I ask why, he goes silent. I am thinking about moving out and starting my own life with our son, and I am financially able to do that. Am I overreacting?
—Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
I think the answer to your question lies in how he generally treats you. Based on the things you’ve shared, I suspect it may not be very good. It was cruel of him to deny your pregnancy; even if he had strong reason to believe someone else also could have been the father of your child, he knew he’d had sex with you, which guaranteed there was a chance your son was his. Three years is a long time to go without acknowledging your child. As far as not introducing your son to his son, there is the possibility that his son is not a great kid. But if they seem to have a decent relationship, then there is probably a more nefarious reason for him to keep the boys apart. I hate to say this, but I think it would be unwise to discount the possibility that he is ashamed of having a Black child; there is a long history of non-Black people desiring Black bodies but not respecting them enough to try and have a healthy relationship with them. Who is this man when it comes to you? If he treats you with love and respect, perhaps you can look past these things. But if he makes you to feel like you are less than or otherwise fails to demonstrate that he thinks highly of you, then I think it’s time for you to move on. If that’s the case, be prepared for him to be a less than-enthusiastic co-parent, and don’t be afraid to use the courts to force him into providing the support you deserve.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter (who is a young teen) is starting to eat less and less. A couple of weeks ago she would eat three full meals a day, plus a couple of snacks. Now, she eats a couple of apple slices for breakfast and claims she isn’t hungry enough to eat more than a tiny portion of her dinner. At school, she supposedly gets school lunches, but for the past week or so, I haven’t gotten any notifications telling me she’s bought anything (her school uses an app system that alerts parents if their kid/s get anything). She rarely eats snacks.
I am worried about her. I checked her YouTube last night (she’s semi-aware I check her phone). Her watch history bursts with ‘diet advice’ and ‘weight loss goals.’ For reference, she is a healthy weight, but does look a bit chubby due to her being very short for her age (although I’ve never said anything about this to her). I’m unsure how to broach a conversation with her about this without making her defensive; all I want to do is help her.
—Weight Loss Isn’t Necessary, She’s A Teenager
Dear Weight Loss Isn’t Necessary,
You should gently confront your daughter about the changes in her eating habits and the things you’ve found in her search terms. Ask her why she feels she needs to lose weight; has someone said something to her, or is she merely comparing herself to other girls? Let her know that it’s okay to want to be healthy, but that she doesn’t need to skip meals or count calories. Encourage her to embrace a balanced diet and to exercise regularly instead of depriving herself. Talk to her about eating disorders and how dangerous it is for young people to severely restrict themselves when they are still growing and need substantial amounts of food each day. Involve her in meal planning and help her identify good-tasting items that will fuel her body without excess salt or sugar. Affirm her body and make sure she is exposed to media and books that feature characters of varying body types. Make sure that you don’t say negative things in front of her about your own body, or anyone else’s, for that matter. The Intuitive Eating Guide for Teenagers features body positive tips for having a healthy relationship with food. If she isn’t able to adjust to eating well instead of simply not eating, you should consider taking her to a therapist who treats young people with eating disorders; not to say that she has one, but you don’t want to wait until she does to take action.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m the dad of a 16-year-old daughter, “Bianca.” We have always gotten along well, but recently it seems she wants to spend time with me less and less, and I’m worried about her. Her mother (my wife) died a few months ago, and it affected Bianca profoundly. Since her mom died, Bianca has been keeping to herself more and more. She doesn’t want to talk to me, she doesn’t want to sit with me to eat meals, she doesn’t want to spend time with me at all, ever. If I ask her why, she says it’s because I “make things worse for her” (or something to that effect), but won’t clarify what that even means, so I’m left confused. Every attempt to talk/spend time with her ends in her yelling at me for seemingly no reason. I know she’s upset about her mom (I am too), and I’ve bought her a book about grief, but I don’t know what else I can do.
—She Won’t Even Look at Me
Dear She Won’t,
Your daughter would benefit from some counseling. She’s dealing with one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person, and at a very young age. Clearly, she doesn’t feel like she can articulate her feelings to you and that may be due to the fact that she doesn’t quite understand them herself. Ideally, you’d find a provider who will meet with Bianca individually, as well as with you. It would also be wise if you got yourself some help as well; you have suffered a great loss while also being expected to help a child cope with it, that’s incredibly difficult work. It’s good that you got Bianca a book about grief, but you should also be reading about how teens cope with death. A Parent’s Guide to Grieving Children will help you to better comprehend what your daughter is going through and also offers guidance on how to handle it. Try to keep your wife’s memory alive in your daughter’s life. Talk to her about her mom, make sure there are pictures of her around the house. It may be difficult now, but over time, she will benefit from keeping her close to her heart.
—Jamilah